“You don’t look for a car space in Kiev. You make one.”
“If your profile says ‘not a douche’ you’re a douche.”
“I love having staring competitions with babies, mostly because I always win. Suckers.”
“My career is like a blind pimple ... It’s been growing secretly underneath the skin. The question is Who’s going to try and pop me?”
“The hair makes him win it.”
“Why is it that every time I sit down somewhere it gets busy?”
“SHORTS!”
“Your breathing is starting to bother me. Can you please reframe from doing it.”
“A cliché is a cliché for a very cliché reason.”
“Regret is for people who can’t commit to something.”